What does the life clock and friends and in common? Some actually do move on and will never turn back. (with the exception of a spoilt clock) I never thought I would have the chance to write this.
When I was a still studying in polytechnic and undertaking my first internship at JBP, I met a fellow colleague named Green. I have always remembered what she told me, “When you get to 23 onwards, festive seasons are not as fun and will grow (old) on you so as your friends- they’d eventually will leave you for new ones.” Sounded tragic huh? I didnt believe it because Christmases or even Vesak Days are THEE opportunity to hang out and have FUN!
Friends move on and get settled down. I (with the Miss Single crown strapped to my forehead) gasped but have to congratulate them out of goodwill and friendship . Of course Im happy for them! – attached or married. I’ve got 3 in a row (I forgot my buddy Edmund)
When I face problems whether personal or at work – I either deal with it myself or turn to my friends (all of whom are attached) and I get the awkward pauses and mismatch connection. Arent we suppose to talk like friends or rather bitch like friends??? What I need is a friend and not a shrink and not someone who judges me, “Its your decision and dun regret it.” or someone who points her/his fit of the solutions to me and expects me to listen and if I dont, its my fault for not listening to them.
Oh my gosh! Ive attended NLP and I know exactly what to say when you are talking to someone who is down – you clarify and ask check emotions from time to time, you let your counselees do the talking by asking appropriate qns. But I need a friend! – someone who will understand that I am still a girl, needing a shoulder to cry on and I’m not exactly strong all the time. If I start from explaining my emotions in detail it makes me sound extremely stupid – like sitting arcoss a bespectacled shrink with a notebook and pen in her/his hand. Something bad happens and they need to talk and know people is on her side, is it that hard to decipher that they need a little attention just for now? least from a good friend’s point of view?
Perhaps Ive not been a very good friend and perhaps Ive not been managing my time well enough. A good friend, E.C. told me one day that one of her used-to-be-best-friends have beginning to grow apart. I couldnt help but share this connection and feel sad at the same time.
Is this happening to me? Who’s changed? Are we growing apart despite the fact that we are seeing each other often? Can I be single and still remain fabulous? (line from S.A.T.C.)
The thing about me is I bounce back up real quick when I’m really really down. When I do – I’d be objective and move on. I pat myself on my head and dap my own tears – I refuse to think that Im those “single and fabulous?” But living single and fabulous! till the one comes along that is.
I do remember writing about expectations on my previous blog. Id repost it (to remind myself) cos I shut the previous one down.
I’m here for almost 2 months now. Its not exactly a long period either a short one. Another month to go before my internship ends (officially). AS time flew, I took time to reflect about lots of things.
Friendship
I really wanted to blog about Gloria’s visit before this entry. (dunt worry gal, its in the “writing”)
It has been in my mind for sometime even before I came to Shenzhen. Perhaps it’s the period where I have to let go and move on with our lives. Be it studies, relationships, friendships, vocations, ambitions or even dreams. The only challenge is by all these, we learn to cherish, compromise and grow old together.During this period of thought, Ive heard a lot, experienced and grown. All of us have, I cannot deny that. My life’s became tight, busy and unfortunately singlehood has her grasp on me for now. Personal time is something I really cherish yet hard to earn. In addition, as responsibility grows with age, there is not such thing as stress-less life. (Unless you are fed from a golden spoon)
When challenges surface, I have to find a way to deal with it. With time, it becomes a habit and I tend to keep stuff inside. It got so bad to the extent that I find it hard to voice it. So what should I do?
1. I dun have a “so-called” boyfriend to run to / cry to.
2. Talk to friends. (which group of friends? The 1o years?, 7 years?, 2 years? Or hi-bye ones?)
3. Be strong a find a solution
4. Other alternative: please enlighten meWith or without a partner , whichever you choose and according to your character, its always different due to various reasoning.
A good friend shared one of her fears with me recently (thank you for trusting me, dearie) and I realised that im not alone. We have many in common. I should learn to let go of the “so-called” friendships even if it’s long. When I say let go, it means less expectations (or none) for the other. I truly appreciate every thought of me thought cards, MSN or just a small “how are you?”.
Often asked myself if I didn’t decide to blog, would my friends know my existence? Would I have faded away into the society unnoticed by the passing faces of ones known as friends?
I remembered I tried to reason the meaning of friendship to a close male buddy of mine. And it fit perfectly. However, I have second thoughts. I yearn for something else more in a friendship; am I unreasonable to think that way? I find that time dilutes the meaning of friendship and hence it takes someone who cares & extra effort to bond it again.
Should I be disappointed or relieved of the expectations I have? I can only humbly move on with my life coz it’s my future I have to carve out myself. Life in Shenzhen taught me many things. Having dreams or being able to HOLD onto one is such a precious gift! And to be able to pursue one‘s dreams in SZ is extremely hard. What are my dreams? Do they align yours? It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t. However, are you able to support and understand me as your friend?
That is what makes the fine line. Think about it my friend.
Bottom Line: Some beliefs & expectations need to change and I need to mature with this. God, give me strength and see me through this.
And this time its my turn to roar – I’m not sitting around waiting on other’s emotions to burn on me. I need to do something. Realising is not enough – action is better. Jin Jie’s qns woke me up literally and Wen Jun’s impression of me scares me. In short – I’m just your regular girl one who cries at the sight of roaches and cant think objectively sometimes even when most of the time I speak like I do – I am still human and as stupid as it seems to blog this I might be the needy one after all.
